HAUNTING | MOMENTS

“I am not looking to escape my darkness, I am learning to love myself there.”

Rune Lazuli

 

For me, today is a dark day. Despite the fact that my blog is generally surrounded around beauty, I would like to discuss the darkness that is March 3rd. Today is my brother’s death anniversary.

I stayed tight-lipped about my brother’s death for too long. What makes people more uncomfortable than depression and suicide? God forbid I was the source of anyone’s discomfort. 

It wasn’t until I was curled up naked on the bathroom floor sobbing “I can’t do this anymore” when I understood the importance of speaking about the disease that took my brothers life. I suffer from the same disease – I was diagnosed with depression shortly after my mother passed away, and I have battled it ever since. For me, depression comes in waves. It debilitates me, and then subsides into remission…only to bring me to my knees again. I fight depression with all my might. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I fear, like my brother, depression will take me too.

Because of these reasons, I will speak words of love and light in my brother’s name in hopes that the stigma of depression will subside, and there will be less victims fallen to suicide.

So, here, we discuss March 3rd, which is the most haunting of days for me – the sounds of my mother banging on the kitchen counter at 4 AM and the enclosing ambulance sirens.

Today, I will remember my brother in all his glory. He was intelligent, handsome, athletic, kind and funny. He was 18. 

So, I ask you – in fact, I beg you – to speak words of kindness and love. Speak up against depression. Speak your own stories or stories of others. Just speak. Just love. And if you’re suffering too, just breathe.

As for me, I will continue to fight and I will continue to pull myself off the bathroom floor. At the end of my dark tunnel, I believe my struggle will only make me a stronger advocate for mental health.

Screen Shot 2016-02-06 at 2.36.38 PM

Neilly

Rest gently with the stars, CJT.

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12 responses to “HAUNTING | MOMENTS

  1. I’m so sorry for such a painful loss. Thank you for sharing your story and putting yourself out there. I have been diagnosed with depression and I am thankful for medication that keeps me from the darker places. Sending you hugs.

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  2. I could only look at the picture and imagine what he and you and your mother must have gone through. I don’t expect the world to understand depression, but maybe we can try and understand each other, and know we aren’t alone. I wish you peace

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  3. So sorry for your loss. I know depression all to well. I had a stillborn baby girl a couple years ago and thought that would be the end of me. The love of family and friends along with medication has brought me back from a very dark place. I will always have bad days but the good days are starting to out weight the bad. My thoughts are with you.

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  4. Oh sweet girl! My heart breaks for you, nothing I understand more is battling the same depression. Sometimes there adequate no words and we have to grieve in our tears. You keep blogging and moving forward, I know it’s easier said than done at times. I’m always a text or blog away ❤️
    Love ya C

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