As everyone is brunching, spa-ing, shopping, and laughing with their mothers, I’m comfortably in bed, remembering you and how safe the world was when you were next to me.
I would give anything for five minutes just to ask you how you’ve been. I want to tell you about all you’ve missed, while you’ve been on the greatest vacation of all time. Did you see me? Did you see my heartbreak, did you see when I spoke fiercely the same way you did, did you see the party I threw for dad?
Mother’s Day became so bittersweet when you left us. My heart breaks when I wish so terribly that you were here. I wish with every ounce of my being that we became the mother and daughter, doubled in age, sitting on the park bench together. I wish that life had allowed us to have more time together than my troubled teenage years. I wish that when I become a mother, you would be my late night call pleading, “mom, I can’t get him to stop crying!” I wish that you were going to be next to me on my wedding day. I wish I could drive to your house in the morning for coffee, the same way you did with your mom. I wish I didn’t have moments of feeling like I was robbed of my time with you.
You gave me some of the best of your days. You gave me your Christmas-morning smile (where you turned into a kid again). You gave me your old-soul advice that I will carry with me throughout my life. You gave me your loopy wine-drunk (rarely, but hilariously). You gave me your vulnerability, and you gave me your fierceness. You gave me my whole world, literally and metaphorically, and you gave me – you created – the woman I am today…the woman moulded, taught, and loved by you.
Happy Mother’s Day to my ma, who taught me all about life, even through her death. On a day that’s meant to be full of gifts and celebrations for you, I feel as though I have received the ultimate gift – being your daughter.
I love you THIS much – to the moon,
This month (May 28, to be exact) marks one year since I moved out of the house I purchased with the man I thought I would end up marrying. A year ago, I was laying in bed next to his sleeping body wondering “how the hell do I get out of here?”. How was I supposed to leave? He may have been distant, but he had good intentions. He may have not provided for me emotionally, but he was not a bad person. I had actively built that life with him, and then I was searching for a way to leave it.
I have been gone for one year, now settled comfortably in my own (quiet) home, and here’s a little that I’ve learned:
- Silence can be music. An empty schedule can be the most fulfilling plans. Freedom and alone time does not have to equate to loneliness.
- Nothing is permanent. This is both the scariest and the most comforting thing I’ve learned over the last year. This point has allowed me to appreciate connections, pain, relationships and happiness more. Everything is fleeting.
- The little things really aren’t worth stressing about – the bitchy girl at work, the bill that comes out next Tuesday, the 2 AM date that left you crawling out of a guys bed. None of this matters – you can chose to embrace it or let it hinder you. Make it a story to share, roll with the punches, and breathe.
- Being single allows you to completely build your life the way YOU want too. There is no compromise, there is room for selfishness. You want to move to another city? Do it. You want to get a sleeve tattoo? Do it. You want to go to a bar in a brunette wig and introduce yourself as “Katie”? Do it.
- The best relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself. Nurture that relationship first. Love that woman first.
- Be unapologetically yourself. I spent so much time bending the basis of who I am as a person to please people. BE YOU. The right person will love you for it.
- Appreciate genuine connections but know that they don’t need to mean forever. You are 50% of those connections – be comfortable, be carefree, be sincere and they will come by more frequently.
- The most unsuspecting moments will become some of the most profound memories. That first dog-walking date that never produced a relationship, that back-deck conversation on a summer night…those will stick with you.
- Become the woman you dreamt off – independent, carefree, confident.
The most dangerous thing about me is that I am my favourite company. You will have to fight me for me. – OfYesterYear
I was hoping to bring you guys an exciting beauty related post today. Unfortunately, I am in bed sick after a whirlwind of a month. Instead, I wanted to share some exciting news with you guys!
I was published in Thought Catalog! Though Catalog is an incredible website which publishes works from thousands of writers. I follow them on nearly every social media platform.
I’ll link my article A Letter To My 16-Year-Old Self here. I would love if you checked it out.
I’ll be back to my normal posting once I’m feeling a little better, sorry for the delay! I miss you all and I hope you’re having a wonderful week,
Right now, I urge you to go hug your mother and thank her…
- Thank you for greeting me with hugs and ice cream after a bad day. Whenever I thought things couldn’t get better, you always made sure they did.
- Thank you for disobeying my wish to be alone, and coming into my room when I was curled up into a ball crying. You cried with me and always made sure I knew that I wasn’t in this world alone.
- Thank you for being the worlds most fearless woman. You had the kindest heart, yet were a hardass when you had to be. You taught me the beauty in being multi-faceted.
- Thank you for telling me when I was wearing too much eyeliner or when my shirt was too low in high school. You taught me class.
- Thank you for being strong enough to let me in on your weak moments. I had even more respect for you when I saw you overcome them, and you taught me that we are all allowed to be human.
- Thank you for letting me tell my deepest secrets to you without judgement (even when they were TMI). You were my place of refuge.
- Thank you for our mommy-daughter movie nights, and for making those take priority over the sixteen year girl that would rather hang out with her friends. Our relaxing evenings together are some of my favourite memories.
- Thank you for being my worst enemy when I was out of line. You taught me the importance of boundaries and respect but…
- …thank you for being my best friend the remainder of the time. I’ve never met a better friend than you, ma.
- Thank you for teaching me (without knowing it) how to be similar to the woman you were. There’s never been a better gift than looking in the mirror and seeing a little piece of you.
Please go and thank your mothers. You’ll never know when the opportunity to thank them may pass.
P.S. January Favourites to come tomorrow!
Dear sixteen year old C,
“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing chances, but when you look back, everything is different…” – C.S. Lewis
- You know that cute boy that made you cry today? He won’t compare to some of the men you’ll meet in your twenties.
- Everyone will tell you that it’s a mistake to run from your problems. It isn’t. Follow your heart and run if you need to. Just make sure to return home.
- You will love a few times – the first cut is the deepest, so just enjoy the ride.
- Always remember that just because you meet a great man, doesn’t mean he is necessarily great for you.
- Set your standards of how you expect to be treated, and be a hardass with enforcing them.
- Set your standards of how you expect yourself to treat others. Be a hardass and enforce those too.
- Not everyone will see the world the same way you do. Be tolerant of them.
- Don’t give into peer-pressure. Feel proud when you say you’ve never done drugs.
- Which leads me to my next point…just don’t do drugs.
- You can show your love by letting people go.
- You will hurt one day. I don’t know when it’ll pass, but it will. Just keep breathing.
- Don’t be in a rush to find love, but please, don’t be afraid of it.
- Nothing is worth numbing you. No job, no man, no friend.
- Don’t let your anger eat you alive forever.
- Next time your mother does something to make you so mad, just let it go. Eventually, you’ll catch yourself doing the same things one day. I don’t say this to scare you, but to excite you. It is a privilege to be half the woman your mother was.
- Please, please, dear girl. Hold your family tight.
- Death is scary. When the day comes, hold your mother’s hand when it’s her time. You’ll never regret that.
- You can be it all. You can be the dark girl, and the lightest one. When you’re feeling dark, use your voice to let other people be the light for you.
You will make it through, C.